A Tear That Never Falls

this statement is so true ...

family

this is my other characters in the game .

this is the girl of my dreams on the game i mean.

Contact has been made with the lovely leala again and it was positive. I am getting to see her again this week and by the way i got a kiss from her and my heart broke into pieces. It was all i thought it was going to be , perfect..

today i am right by people who talk about you behind your bacc, but seeing this is human nature . I hate it very much.

My SIS looking beautiful and papertowl man..

This is my sister and my HOMEBOY FOR LIFE Keeghan!!!!!!

bye time

I am at a lose for words and today is a good day. I really feel like people don't like me that much. I am alone in this neverending loneliness feeling like something is missing from my life. I hate drugs but they seem so inviting when you are alone in the struggle to not do them. I don't know what to do. The voices in my head tell me to do strange things. Often I question it and i hear everything (negaitive stuff) i don't even remember doing. But Don't know if they are real or i just hear them so i am thinking to myself am i crazy or am i. Things that i hear cause me to hurt inside and when everyone asks are you okay , I want to lash out and say no everything is not okay i am hearing stuff you could not possibly imagine. Please hold me through this time i go through. I hurt so bad inside that i do crazy stuff sometimes. This happens everytime i think i hear voices in my head . This is the way i really feel inside and sorry if you cant hear it but i am different and i do . I just want to explode some times because i get so sad about things or happy about things that i just can't explain.
The Pills i am taking supress most of it but sometimes i get so upset that i want to shut myself down and turn inward but there are alot of hurts on the inside and i am not ready to let go of this hurt because sometimes that feels like that is all that is left of you.

I love you!

i love my mother!

Have you ever wondered if someone still thinks about you even after they leave you? well i have news for you people out the whose happy thought just happens to be that person that either left in the first place or you left them. My happy thought is leala schettig, even if i will never see her again she will always be my happy thought. Leala's smile brightens my day even if i can only see it in my mind. You know the mind is like a canvas thoughts and dreams are painted on them each day . I am today 31 days clean and i did it my self. I am also happy to report i have no more ill feelings toward leala, i really never did but i guess you have to watch what you say sometimes and consider what other people might think. Well you will never really stop loving the person your in love with , mine is leala..

leala on the brain , i can't stop having flashblacks of times we spent together. i really love her to death.

The more i become sober, the more i think of how my life would be better with leala in it. I know she is gone but she has to wonder about me or think about me sometime even if it is for the slightest of seconds. I know this because i think about her every day since my emotional breakdown also known as depression. The day she left my heart broken into many pieces. I went on a four month meth binge and i was real stupid to venture into this because people that are skitzo like me and are bi-polar are not suppose to do this drug. my new diease sucks because even when i am sober i hear voices and see vivid details to the point of causeing aneity attacks. so i have to take 4 different pills to stay normal. Leala i dont understand why you have let one girl come between us , when you have been with mutlple guys and i only bring that up because you hold that against me. I have forgiven you for that and i want you to know that inside your heart. I really wish you would call or come to church and see the real me ... I don't know if you read my journal but i write to you often since jessica wont write me back on any of the emails i write and send to you ... I Love you LEALA..

No matter how hard i try leala is still the one for me. Many things i have said about her were out of anger and for that i Am sorry. I just wanted to say this i need her to make me complete. I am willing to sell my soul to be reunited with her. I love her with all my heart still. One day she will ask for her baby pictures back and i will give them to her and just so you know i will be ready to talk with her then.Leala i LOve you so much and currently i am 18 days clean from meth.OH yeah the truth about charlotte after you got out i had no more contact with the girl. I am sorry if you believe otherwise...

I am going to rehabilitation......

Today you will get to know the infamous davin. HE has been one of my best friends and has been closer than a brother, But i fear those days are long gone for meth has stolen him away to the place of sheol. For those of you that keep up with my journal i feel sorry for you sometimes, But today i want you to hear me out. My sell out friend is a fucking prick and i hate his guts. He lives behind the publix just off of killian hill house number 888, I hate this man to death and that probably won't change anything but i want to tell you that he has lost his self and takes advantage of anyone who comes inside his house which i now call the interealm of hades. His little vixen of a girlfriend reminds me most of a two year child and i mean when he is not there she cries after him , she is the most fucked up thing in his life and let me tell you that she is the slutest bitch i know of to this day in time. I want you to know even if you consider this man to be your friend he will steal you blind and completely take all the money you have ... His full name is davin roberts and he currently resides in the gwinnett county district of lilburn and if i were you i would stay far away from this meth addicted FRIEND TURNED SUPER FIEND. He has stolen my mp3 player and probably sold it for drugs and does not have the fucking balls to tell me and the balls to bring it back to me because he knows it would be right and because it would take some balls to do that , but he would have to have some before he could do ether of these things. This is all i wanted to say today to our most fucked up individual of the month davin roberts, FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!FUCK YOU BUDDY!

The Outsider lyrics

Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,

Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcissistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadence

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I don't wanna watch you...

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, Coalesce, Coalesce

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here. This is a song the redfines my brother davin!!!

I have been depressed fro the past 3 months, do to the fact it is hard to get over the one whos made for you. But with my usauge of meth for the 3 month period and with thinking about how i could repair things with the lady Leala, it al most seemed hopeless, my parole officer would not lock me up even after i asked her. So now i am faced with a tainted reality of having to deal with my addiction and depression alone , with just me and my inner family and they have been real great through this trying to rehabilitate my self. I first want to say that i have been clean 8 days now and am really struggling with the depression part now and i am finally facing the fact that leala is gone and probably forever, but if God happens to hear my prayers for her for us to be in his will then theres always a reason for just the slighest of seconds to be happy, during my depression of not having her to myself anymore it is good for me to be surround by her things like her pictures and like her letters written to me , It makes me feel really alive again, Laura pain is and has helped me overcome alot of my stuff by just being there for me and i am very grateful for her she is like my secret angel . I love her with all my heart. You know what i mean shawn. But as for me vistors to my house and maybe to the coffee shop would be nice every now and again. Leala wherever you are or whatever you doing just know that i think about you alot and i love you very much...

Hey all i am here to tell you that life has been pretty ruff lately. I have been really sicc lately and have slept for four days and i want you to know that i have helped everyone that i could and it has shown me that people are very nice to you when you have money and when you dont have it you dont have all the same friends as you did before you have the money. Well since the last time i have discussed my life, the lady Laura has cut her arms wide open and ended up in the nut house and all she really needs is someone to love her for her and i really do love her to pieces. But she has failed to realize this in her life but anyways she will see it soon.I have since then given her family money for the house and stuff and it feels pretty good to help people . it is pretty close to time for bed but iwanted to share with you.

Charlotte Elizabeth Obert......

This girl is responsible for my life being destroyed with the wonderful Lady leala. It has been almost a month sin the engagement has been broken off and I have hated every mintue of it, I am not happy without her and have become a workaholic since the choice that she has made. She wants to be my friends but we are beyond this stage in the relationship and I have catered to her every need even when we lived together at the apartments in Norwood when she would go escort and come home to a great looking house. I preped her bag with the condoms and other interesting items got her ready and sent her on the way. Since then i have forgiven her for everything and have commited her to God, But she still insists on not forgiving her self for what she has done, This Job that i got was do to her and our future but now we have no future at least together. I still chose till this day not to be her friend I will not settle for this after all I have had to put up with. Not that she owes me anything but I thought that she might consider my feelings, but of couarse as you know she does'nt. I love her more than life itself and I will not marry anyone now because of this sorrow it brought to my heart. If you ever read this Lady Leala i hope you know I will always be right here waiting for you.....P.S I miss you Bunches.....